F.A.S.T - F.A.R.T & THE FINDINGS OF PROF. KAMAL SHUBI

Boring times .. desperately boring .. well atleast by now most of the few readers I have, must have understood that I am not that kind of a literary genius who can construct deeply philosophical prose or poetry out of the depths of my now defunct heart or brain . My literary shenanigans almost hovers around that of scavenging a normal piece of event and contorting it to some cheap ridicules (usually based around the abdominal area) . So when Grandpa Sibal decided to sieve all online content banning anything that ridicules Aunty G and Baby G (PBUH) , I thought maybe I should call it quits and close this blog . For us pseudo writers, you can’t expect to get even half a decent page of words if you take holy cows like Aunty G or Baby G out of our reverential critique .

But then  we really don’t live in such a desperately boring world , one can always find some self righteous moron issuing some really weird diktat elucidating mockery from some and serious contemplation from other equally minded morons .And I was’nt disappointed . F.A.S.T – F.A.R.T (Fatwa Against Sexual Tolerance – Fatwa Against Religious Tolerance) is a dual body organisation affiliated to the powerful body J.A.M (Jihadis Against Madonna) . While F.A.S.T-F.A.R.T specializes in issuing fatwas which specifically targets the general well being of women born under the crescent moon, J.A.M is a totalitarian body that recruits people born under the crescent moon , transforms them into Jihadis to fight against tyrrants like Israel , US , Justine Bieber and the likes ( well I really don’t know what’s Madonna doing in J.A.M but maybe they meant Materialism ). Coming back to the issue , in one of the recently concluded F.A.S.T-F.A.R.T conventions, one of the D-I-C-K [Director In- Charge (of) Know(all)] ,Professor Kamal Shubi, reported that women should be disallowed from driving as it increases their sexual instincts thereby sodomising the whole Muslim society . This comes from the same man who in his earlier works elaborated the direct correlation of Muslim woman sitting in coffee shops and the intensity of their carnal instincts . He said that in one of his such ‘dressed-as-a- sexy-Casanovic-Mullah’ encounter in a coffee shop, a woman made amorous gestures giving him indications of her being available for ‘sexy-Casanovic-Mullah-meets-Burqa –clad-Sharon Stonic’ sex .(read – Arabic Basic Instinct fornication)

Well I guess after reading the last line many of you are contemplating a move to an arab country and camping outside a coffee shop, but then again if you have’nt had much luck in your local CCD you would’nt have much luck in an Arab one (maybe only if Mr. Shubi decides to be your wingman ). And again if you are thinking that like all my previous posts I am gonna get into the preachy mode and tell you all how disgracefully wrong or ludicrous the whole stuff is .. well then I guess I would’nt want to waste my precious little time over what some D-I-C-K says or does .The whole episode is as idiotic as an African country passing a law which makes farting in public a punishable offence (and this one is actually true) .  Instead what struck me was that as a God fearing God abiding person born under the crescent moon  I should be entitled to issue some fatwas too . So here’s my list .. please feel free to add your own or counter my fatwa with another fatwa if you are truly a God fearing God abiding person born under the crescent moon.

#1. Fatwa against fasting – seriously guys grow up.. there are thousand better ways to protest , like putting your index finger in your head in a gun shaped mode and then pseudo shooting yourself making a “phrooosshh” sound whenever you see the didactic finger wagging of Anna on TV .

#2.Fatwa against Delhi organizing flash mobs - You can’t expect to celebrate 100 years and not have a flash mob video of your city on Youtube (yes Delhi-ites this is a retaliation from a pure Bong for taking the tag of capital city away from us in 1911 )

#3. Fatwa against Big Boss surprise entries  –even after bringing Sunny Leone into the house no one is watching the show , so it’s high time they close it and invest the money in our very own native Porn Industry (a high potential but grossly overlooked sector in the Indian economy) .

#4. Fatwa against Karan Johar – film studios should get a restraining order from him . You remake Agneepath and put a song named Chikni Chameli into it . Stick to making Ducky porn for nubiles , darling .

#5. Fatwa against Rahul Gandhi wearing clothes way beyond his size and age – Rahul Gandhi should only wear diapers . Period .

(P.S – if somehow you find the link to my blog not working blame it on the last issued Fatwa and Grandpa Sieve-all)

RA-ONE : THE (truly genuine and earnest) FILM REVIEW

Ra-One is one of the most expensive as well as the most expansive movie ever made in Bollywood and every second of its runtime oozes out with the visual magic that its creator or more aptly its visionary Shahrukh Khan had envisaged . Those who are still apprehensive about the movie being replete with scientific gobbledygook and VFX tricks then let me assure the film has much more in store for you , complete with trials and tribulations that any average man can identify with in this cruel world where every motive is guided by materialistic pleasures and bullion aspirations until the simple pleasures of life gets diluted by the ever encompassing  greed of  imperialistic dreams .

Ra-One revolves around Rahul Verma (played brilliantly by Shahrukh Khan) who works in a contraband drug store selling ‘Penis enlargement’ pills . Subjected to acute penury and the constant guilt of letting his beautiful wife Anjali (Kareena Kapoor) work as a masseuse for the super rich but facially paralysed Dr. Dang (played naturally by Arjun Rampal) , neither the wage nor the pills work for this average guy . So out of sheer desperation of not being able to provide for his wife’s financial and conjugal needs he decides to ragpick at nights . And it is during these nocturnal endeavours that he comes across a dying mad scientist Dr.Vijay (Amitabh Bacchan)  who gifts Rahul a stash of weed and a big robot which has been a dream project of the scientist . Now Rahul as poor as he may be , takes the robot in with his family much to the consternation of Anjali who ultimately decides to dump Rahul and move in with Dr. Dang . Now with the love of his life in someone else’s arm Rahul takes refuge in the stash of weed and local hooch , and during one of this drunken fits Rahul unknowingly thrusts some Penis enlargement pills in the robot’s mouth and Voila !!! the Robot comes to life . (also punctuated by the intermission).The second half of the movie gets more intriguing as the story leaps 20 years forward : Rahul and the robot are married and have a sweet girl cum autobot named Chammak Challo (Shahrukh Khan,effortless acting again) . Also by a simple twist of fate studying in the same college as Chammak Challo is G-One (Shahrukh Khan) - son of Dr.Dang and Anjali . Both are freshers in a college ,headed by the hermaphrodic dean Dr. Raj Malhotra (wonderful cameo by Karan Johar) , and are constantly picked by their seniors because of their unusual names . And it is during these moments of depravation and peer inflicted depreciation that both these hapless misnomic souls fall in love .None of the families take the relationship well : Rahul for not approving to quasi incestuous tie up and Dr. Dang for not approving to autobots . What happens next is stuff what film legends are made of and I won’t spoil it for those who have’nt seen the movie .(Cant help it but the cliamax scene where the main protagonists of both the generation break into an orgasmic ‘mehendi’ dance is sheer cinematic brilliance and an obvious tribute to the auteur director Karan Johar’s vision of film making)

The performances in Ra- One usually hover around the superlative mark . Arjun Rampal is the apt choice for the role of a facially paralysed evil doctor while Kareena Kapoor looks the part . Adding to that there is a wonderful cameo by Rajnikant who plays a doctor who helps Rahul Verma give birth to Chammak Challo in a speeding rickshaw (an obvious reference to another SRK classic Main Hoon Na ) . But keeping everyone at bay has to be the one and only Shahrukh Khan who effortlessly fits into the myriad roles of a father , a dotting mother , an angst ridden youth , a veterinary doctor , a PMS aunty and a bison all in one movie . Watch for the scene where Shahrukh during one of his drunken fits almost has sex with a car mistaking him a for the cow from DDLJ : the angst on his face to the helplessness when the car automatically starts and speeds away is what acting students would be viewing for years to come .

Well for many of you who are hungry for some quality cinema and would probably give this gem a miss thinking that the whole of 150 crores in making this movie is eaten up in mindless visual effects of crashing trains and flying cars , you could’nt be more wrong . For a fact much of the VFX budget is spent on making a 70 year old Shahrukh look like a 20 something dude , hot chick , robot and a bison. But it was worth every penny to have Shahrukh on board for this film as none could have done justice to these roles other than him . And for those who don’t like good cinema and would never even think of watching Ra- One , thanks to the innumerable brand tie ups you would be getting incentives while watching the movie : for making through the first 15 mins – a pack of Parle -G will be gifted to you in the multiplex itself , completing the first half – a Godrej fridge and for making through the whole movie – a pack of condoms (surely you wont be able to sleep for many nights to come .. hence) . So don’t hold yourself back , forget food inflation , dish out 360 bucks and watch cinema weave its magic through the able hands of the Ra- One team .

P.S : The only inexplicable part of a movie which bugged this film critic was that there was no character named Ra-One in the movie .. oh wait maybe there was … maybe there was’nt … either ways it’s a daunting task to remember nightmares in harrowing details.

LOKPAL , RIYA SEN & PRADA ...

CUTE KID +GANDHI TOPI = GREAT PR

Its been almost three months or so that I last posted something on this very collection of literary affiliations . Well its not entirely false that the procrastination is because of  an incessant urge of failure and despondency on my part that even after posting several insidious posts, no organization owing allegiance to either Al-Qaeda , RSS , Congress or WARD(We are Rahul’s Dog – headed aptly by Digvijay) has threatened me with my life or any part of my fleshy existence so that I can take a day off from my office . To be true I was really busy training my pet chicken to bury its head deep inside the ground only to put it up once in a while to say its gonna deliver on its golden egg promise – I call that trick “Doing The Manmohan” . Well when that was underway a lot occurred pertaining to my very dear topic “Anna v/s UPA” , I wanted to reiterate on that but there were so much tweets , blogs and articles written on it , my scribblings would have just got lost like Mamata Bannerjee in Tagore’s beard .

Trust me you know the issue is important when even Riya Sen tweets about how amending the Lokpal Bill would be a direct violation of section 69 subverting the direct jurisprudence offered by the Amendment act to subterfuge any bill passed on a quid pro quo basis to be labelled as horse shit . That dumb bimbo does’nt know the difference between an SMS and an MMS (that was one sweet porn clip) and here she was with other Voltaire and Russoes of our times mouthing the amendment of constitutional procedures as if it was changing her lingerie (sorry.. my mind is still stuck at the porn clip of hers .If you have’nt watched it , stop reading this shit and google it) .

To be very frank I am always wary of guys with a toothless grin and a Gandhi topi up their righteous head . Now its bordering on blasphemy to mouth obscenity against Anna nowadays or else you have to face the consequence of Kiran Bedi mimicring you , but for all that was worth about the movement I still think there were better ways of  achieving the means sans all the slander from either side . Sure the government is inefficient but the Anna Camp could have acted less like Vito Corleone and made offers that both side could accept and not refuse . And the Government on its part was almost like those archetypal rape victims of the Hindi movie, resisting and refusing at first but ultimately giving way to the villain in an act of consensual surrender . So my fellow countrymen the problem does’nt lie with the first rape it lies with the subsequent weakness of becoming a whore succumbing to the whims and fancies of people like me who is willing to go on a hunger strike if the IIM’s does’nt take me in or some other group who want a separate state because the banana they cultivate is a perfect straight one .

But this post is not about the righteous blackmailing of the Jesus Hazare cult , its about few things about the movement that you might have missed :

1. Chicks in Delhi are hot , their concern about the poor almost bordering on ultra communism  and they do that wearing Prada and Jimmy Choo .
2. Aamir Khan does visit public agitation forums even when his movie is’nt releasing .
3. Sonu Nigaam is still a man and has not undergone sex change operation to become Madonna .
4. Kiran Bedi could be in the running for India’s Got Talent or America’s Top Model .
5. Anna Hazare is a devout muslim . He almost fasted the whole of Ramzan.
6. Chicks in Delhi are hot … ohh I said that ..

I guess the Government must have also noticed the angst of these hot Delhi chicks and it did’nt really want to face their wrath or else if it really paid heed to hunger strikes they would have solved a certain ladies problem in the northeast . The Armed Forces (Special Powers) Act or fancily called AFSPA is nothing but state sponsored terrorism brought to the people of “integral states” of the northeast and Kashmir .  No bother that she has been fasting for over a decade over an issue that is a collective miscreation on the part of subsequent Governments over the past decade and not some fallacy of crooked individuals for which the Government cannot be directly held accountable to (atleast not for the occurrence of it but yes to the handling maybe) . Yes sure the issues are different as chalk and cheese but once you herald an elected form of Government as cousins of Robert Clive and brand the movement as a second freedom struggle then I guess issues transcend the motive as well as the method . But what the hell who cares.. I demand another hunger strike preferably in Mumbai now ..heard the chiks are hotter there .. but don’t do it in the northeast , the revolutionary chicks there don’t wear Prada . Till then I’ll be “Doing the Manmohan” .

  P.S : Narendra Modi on a hunger strike for communal harmony .. @#$! .. and my grandma is Rajnikant .



OSAMA SHETTY : UMM QUWWA

                                                   Osama Bin Laden in happier times

Frankly speaking I always was a fan of Osama Bin Laden , not that I am a jihadi fanatical muslim who belches out Islamic hiccups after regularly devouring beef biriyanis and throws paper planes from his office rooftop with Quranic verses written on them . I am as far removed from Islam as Monica Bellucci is from Rakhi Sawant . But now that Osama is supposedly dead and one can safely presume that the CIA would be busy hosting playboy themed parties and the Al- Qaeda would be busy surfing makemytrip.com to get a knowhow of places frequented by Americans instead of monitoring my scribblings , I can safely confess that I liked that guy . Not because he killed thousands of Americans , Pakistanis , Nicaraguans , Papua New Guineans ,Beninians ,Burundians , Iraqis (sorry the last one were killed by the US ) all to avenge Muslim deaths and to establish sharia laws which is as vulgarly obscene as a woman wearing a bikini over a burqha .  I liked him cause somehow he reminded me of one of my favourite heroes Suniel Shetty from one of my favourite movie Border .

If you have watched Border, one of the finest Bollywood movie after Disco Dancer, you would obviously get the drift with Suniel Shetty . For those who have not , in the movie Suniel Shetty played host to precisely 17 bullets (yes I counted !!) in his chest and thoracic region , laid dormant for a while , got up , got a mine , walked straight into enemy territory , landed the mine  underneath a tanker with one hand holding up the tanker, blew it up , thought of his super sexy girlfriend , shouted out “Maaaaa .. Shakti”, killed another dozen enemy soldiers with his spittle and supposedly lay dormant again . There was such conviction in his acting that I thought it was impossible for him to die and even when the end credits rolled I expected him to burst out of the scene with oral drippings dripping onto my face screaming out “Maaaaa.. Shakti” . But he never did but Osama did just that and went onto to do that over and over again for the past decade (not the ‘Maaaa .. Shakti’ part you idiot .. the ‘not dying’ part)

Common you have to give credit to the guy ,who many of my Islamically bent communist friends (heady mix) called “sala baagher bacchha” (true tigers son), for cheating death many times over, that too against a country who are truly good at invading foreign lands and killing off entire generations  .For a start the Americans told us that he might have been killed in Tora Bora but after few days of that announcement Osama was allegedly spotted in a playboy mansion alongside Berlusconi .Then we heard that he has a fatal kidney disease which Osama replied with a video of him singing “ Hum ka peeni hain “ . Even now when Obama was almost orgasmically announcing “Justice has been done” I expected Osama to put his head up from Obama’s back and whisper “Tuki” wrapping his hands around Obama’s eyes . Otherwise how would anyone justify that the most wanted man in the world (after Bappi Lahiri ) was actually hiding in a resort town of a country which at best can be described as the mistress of  US (citation needed as the UK may also claim the spot but studies have shown that UK is actually the poodle of the US) .

And I have my doubts but this time albeit from a different view . Now no matter how hard the US tells you that he is the state’s numero uno enemy ,Osama is actually a great PR machinery for US presidents specially those whose popularity ratings have hit rock bottom and are seeking  re-election in two years . It will not be surprising that in twenty years time a president fighting dwindling employments rates in his country ( like Obama is doing now ) will wake you up and say “Boo .. last government accidentally killed a hairy guy called Anil Kapoor but now surely we have killed Osama ...worship me earthlings” . As far as Osama is concerned he might be plotting another strike or he might have had enough of acting Islamist Jihadi so he decided to settle down with his five wives in a large mansion in Hawaii or he might be preserved for posterity in area 51 for future US use or as, to put it more exotically , Verbal Kint said  "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."

P.S : What on earth is Geronimo ??? Operation P.L.A.T.O.O.N (Plunder Loot Afghanistan Then Obliterate Osama Nigga) would have been so Hollywood savvy .

MANMOHAN SINGH : THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE

Manmohan Singh is THE SEXIEST MAN on the face of this earth . Now you don’t believe me ..you can call that man intelligent , reticent even downright good , his academic qualification alone can fill up this blog for many months to come .. but no one has called hin THE SEXIEST MAN .. and I in my full senses have just called him THE SEXIEST MAN .. just read on to know why ..

So you have made it to the second paragraph to know the reason for him being THE SEXIEST MAN alive  ..but we will get to that a little later .. first it is admirable on your part for not closing the page after reading the first two words . Well for the last few months everyone from Barkha Dutt with her short hair to Rakhi Sawant with her big brea.. sorry brains (dirty mind) have been shouting out how he is heading one of the most corrupt government of all time ( the assets of many of his ministers can make Pamela Anderson's assets look like Kate Moss's ..see the two ladies closely to get the comparison ) and doing nothing about it . Well for a change I am not going to talk about it ..instead I am gonna explain why he is THE SEXIEST MAN alive .

Oh OK you are still here for the reason .. but before that you cannot but help but feel sorry for the man . He had to go through a troubled time lately facing the wrath of the very facebook generation he helped to build . If he had’nt opened up the economy in the 90s , we would still be wearing Rupa ki Chaddi without ever knowing the virtues of Jockey underwears . If he had known then that globalization in India would usher in an era where liking the “I will fast with Anna Hazare”on one’s facebook page while munching on MacD aloo tikki would mean revolution then he would have obviously retained his World Bank job . But he was a resilient man then and he still is a resilient man now . At a time when Sushma Swaraj was shouting out to Singh “Bhai tum sign karte ho ya nahin..” goading him to take the whole blame on corruption issue it was admirable on Manmohan’s part not to stand up  and reply “ Jao pehle us aadmi ka sign leke aao jisne mere haat mein yeh likh dia tha “ .. flashing the ‘Mera Baap Rahul Gandhi’ tattoo .

 His detractors might just shrug off his above achievements and say “But he can’t wave his hand properly”. Well that’s a serious allegation .. if you have’nt seen his ‘hand waving’ to a crowd then just try to visualize Dharmendra dirty dancing or Ajay Devgan in the movie “Jigar” where he practices to break eggs using martial arts . You can’t be a PM of India and not know how to wave to a multitude of people . Others might say his speeches can at best find a place in the ancient African lost languages section but he did come out of his usual self while replying to Sushma Swaraj’s allegations with a perfect qawwali infused rhetoric .Well we could go on and on about his shortcomings but all that gets eclipsed once I tell you why he is THE SEXIEST MAN alive .

(drum roll please)  ..here comes the reason : YOU’VE BEEN PUNKED. Manmohan and sexy is as compatible as Salman Khan and Sai Baba . Out of the 3 or 4 readers I have , even 1 of you have been fooled into reading this then I would consider myself eligible for a place in the UPA-2 cabinet . Now you may wonder why .. well for a start the UPA-2 is full of people who have been making a fool of this country and they have been doing it using the “HONESTY” badge that automatically comes with PM Singh’s name . Ya scoff at me and curse yourself for reading this balderdash ..A.Raja was never a writer nor was Kalmadi . I have found my calling and for those who still want to curse me you can send your hate mails to 10 , Janpath , New Delhi or email me to babyg.rahul@gmail.con.

LIB'erated'YA DOG !!!!!

A bare torsoed Lt.Col.Bill Kilgore walks up to Captain Willard with a Texas nonchalance and blurts out “.. I love the smell of napalm in the morning ..” . Well that single line by Robert Duvall might have been the defining scene in the Coppola masterpiece ‘Apocalypse Now’ but apart from making cinematic history it also sheds light on the psychology of men engaged in war . No matter how much The Economist screams out that wars arise from the geopolitical conflicts or economical competition , to me men who decide to go to war have either big ego or small physical attributes . Yes, it’s the Libyan war where the west has again went ahead with its regular 10 yearly plan of sexually intercoursing (F-word again) a country in the name of  democracy .

For the uninitiated the West namely the French, England , US and Canada (please check if the last one qualifies as a country) has invaded Libya to free the Libyans of the tyrrant ‘Q/G’addafi and create a free society where there will be power of  democracy. Well I am not going to be some nonagenarian Bengali Communist (who readily blames the U.S for his weak bladder problems ,calls Manmohan Singh the Indian ‘Dick’, Dick Cheney that is you dirty mind , hopes for a party ticket in this life and hopes to play in the lap of  Jyoti Basu in the afterlife ) and blame it on Oil . Instead let us look at the personal lives of the three Moses in this story and go for the Freudian way of pinning things down .

Case I : Nicolas Sircrazy (Sarkozy) – the President of France, the prime mover in the war, has major domestic issues . His wife stands a good 4 inches taller than him , is a former supermodel and also plays guitar . So to compensate for the 4 inch loss (in height , you dirty mind again) Sircrazy points big guns and big jets at poor hapless guys and silently screams out in bed “J'ai obtenu balles” (I have got balls) .

Case II : David Came’n’Gone (Cameron) – the Prime Minister of  U.K , the poodle of the US like many before him , has just become a dad . And no dad wants to be seen as a loser in the eyes of his little daughters . In his tenure as PM , the unemployment rate has risen up and Britain is in need of dire economic reforms which hardly makes up good lines for a child’s lullaby . But this does : “ Daddy with big guns is gonna fight ; To seek real justice and for what is right “ .

Case III : Barrack Obomb’ya (Obama) -  Well for a start he is a myth and he does’nt exist . It is actually Bush who is wearing an Afro- American suit and calling the shots (Dick Cheney is Michelle Obama in a woman’s suit) . The wise men had predicted the birth of a man named Obama who is gonna free the world of its sins much like a religious chap born a few millennia back but then we are still waiting .

And if you are still brainwashed by your weekly Sunday microphone blaring Communist agenda , well alright oil might have some role to play in the war . For a start Libya is one of the highest producers of oil in Africa which amounts to about a quarter of its GDP . So any turmoil in the region which would ultimately culminate in a oil crisis would send shockwaves in an already fragile western economy. And besides if people of a country want freedom they should be given a chance to earn it themselves without the interference of any other country . If its your problem you certainly don’t want the whole world to know about it … for a change how would Sarkozy feel if Gaddafi mailed him a training video to increase height or Cameron got a phone call from the Libyan outlet of Naukri.com The French Revolution would’nt be what it is if it was called The French ‘with Guillotine sponsored by Spain’ Revolution.

So from above it can be seen that except for Obama (who might again be an alien) all the other movers in the war have some deep seated personal issues which need immediate redressal before they go out of their minds and start attacking every oil producing nation . So no matter how much your local newspaper and columnist want you to believe with big graphs and GDP numbers , remember kids , war is the ultimate morphine for people with big ego or (this time let me be more specific) small physical attributes in the lower abdomen region ( the P- word*) .

* P-word has been deliberately omitted keeping in mind the sensitivity of readers involved . If you still did’nt understand the P-word look up for male genitalia in your thesaurus . If you did and got offended by it please replace P-word with President Bush or Prakash Karat depending on your allegiance .  

REVOLUTION ON THE WRONG SIDE OF NILE

Revolution – process of curing the cancer of the society only to inflict AIDS on it . Now don’t get me wrong , I have had my fair share of marijuana infested John Lennon audio lessons to scream out ‘Power to the People’ every time any political party blocks my urban space to scream out the same . But the idea of revolution and democracy in a Muslim majority state does scare me only because of one single word : Pakistan . You look at Pakistan .. that country is in more need of a revolution than Mamata Bannerjee is in need of a husband . But in all probability the Pakistanis are never going to get out on the streets and start demanding for a better economy or more Indian satellite channels on their TV . Here is the reason why : Religion .

Before you start judging me as the type of Muslim liberal junkie who proclaims his secularism by denigrating Islam and down the years is dreaming of becoming the first Muslim President of the Sangh Parivar or the Shiv Sena ..well atleast you got the first part wrong . What starts out as a democratic set up in a Muslim majority country ultimately ends up being an Islamic revolution ultimately plunging it to the Talibanisation of the state of affairs . Again before you start judging me as the kind of guy who is on the payroll of  Narendra Modi I’ll give you examples .

Exhibit A : IRAN –starting as an Islamic revolution in 1978 to liberate the people from the tyrannical rule of the then despot , has now boiled down to one of the most gross violation of  cultural rights of its artists and also the basic rights of its women . Call me parochial but a country which imprisons a great film maker like Jafar Panahi in the name of non-conformity to the Islamic school of thoughts needs to be bombed out (now I am so getting my US visa)

Exhibit B : AFGHANISTAN – for all aspiring Jihadis “THE AFGHAN SCHOOL OF RECONSTRUCTING A VIOLENT ISLAM THROUGH A NEW QURAN” has been what IIT’s are to any pimple faced teenager or what Baywatch was to thousands of  adolescent Indian guys in the 90’s  .Well alright the US might have had sexual intercourse with that country a bit (this is the most decent way of saying the F word) ..big deal .. now you start blaming the country which has given us the greatest invention known to mankind – PORN.

In semblance these countries have a long list of adjectives like "Democratic”, “Republic” “Sovereign” even “Secular” present in their constitution but what they interpret of these words would make Voltaire and Rousseau dance up from their graves “Thriller” style . So yes , I did support the Egyptian Revolution in the beginning but after a few days when the name “The Muslim Brotherhood” cropped up in the newspaper atleast I knew that the revolution was sexually intercoursed (F-‘ed’ word). In their defence the Muslim Brotherhood might have been doing some notable humanitarian work all throughout Egypt for the past many years ( but so did Khomeini  who sounded like Susan B. Anthony before the revolution and drunk Anthony Gonzalves after it ) . And lets not get into Pakistan , that country is virtually a black hole collapsing on itself in a whirlwind of religious extremism powered by US napalm .

So heres the remedy : status quo . I am a muslim but I am a resident of West Bengal too and take it from me it is not that difficult to tolerate a power that have been sexually intercoursing (F-‘ing’ word)  us for the last 34 years and after that still bring a new party who is gonna do that much harder . We will never go out on the streets and I advise you Egyptians also not to . Its very difficult to accept the fact that either ways you are going to end up in a regime either under Mubarak or some Mullah or some Mamata or some CPM where your right to a better life goes out the window before the voter ink dries up on your fingers ; but once you accept that fact then you will realize that the magnificient pyramids were built by slaves under despotic rulers not by free spirited individuals .

MINORITY REPORT

If you think that this piece of writing concerns the state of minority affairs in our country and how the total income of the minority population divided by the total income of the unorganized sector is half that of the GDP concerning only the organized sector barring those working in service and hospitality sector normalized to the level of the total export of chickens to Bhutan , you are wrong . It is the job of the revered Congress High Command to appoint GOM’s who inturn form committees headed by retired cronies to decide upon major national issues like ‘What should be the average height of a Mayawati statue’ or ‘Does Karunanidhi look like Hugh Hefner in his Rayban shades’ or the ‘state of minorities in India’ . What this report concerns is a peculiar trend that has plagued Bollywood (our greatest cultural export after Kamasutra) – The stereotyping of minorities in Hindi movies .

Ever wondered why every Aslam Chacha or D’Souza uncle or Harpreet Singh almost always look , sound and adhere to certain clichéd notions that has characterized their respective religions since Dev Anand was young enough to be called a hero (which by the way was way before the first dinosaur egg hatched  or the birth of any geriatric character in an Ekta Kapoor serial ). So whenever you come across a Christian character in a Bollywood movie, 9 out of 10 times his name would be Peter (if male) or Jenny or Maria (if female) or D’Costa or D’ Souza(if old) . Most of the times they would speak in heavy anglicized Hindi ..” Tumko kya Mangta hai ?” and certainly they would either be a baker or a liquor shop owner or a drunkard themselves with family lineage tracing back to Goa .

It gets weirder with the portrayal of Parsis . With a quirky “Dikra” always on their lips they inevitably are very grumpy but with a heart of gold who always end up helping the hero elope with the heroine in their 70’s Fiat car . They always have a queer habit like that of a trembling hand or a blinking eye or are obscenely obese. And they have to be childless ..which explains the grumpy with a heart of gold attitude.

But the fun really starts with Muslim characters , named Aslam(if male) or Salma (if female) or Chacha or Chachi(if old) . The muslim male always have a skull cap on their head and kurta pyjama heavily starched on their body . The place where they live ought to be in a dingy but civilized locality which must have seven or eight houses which have their walls painted green . And they have to be God fearing guys (background score comprising of azans or an Arabic infused mandolin picks) who never miss their prayers (remember Imaam Saab of Sholay .. son died who cares lets pray).

Classic example of all the specimens mentioned above and many more can be observed in any 70’s movie like ‘Amar Akbar Anthony’ - the greatest artistic national unifier after ‘Bidi jalaile’ . There are many such examples with other communities like the Buddhists ,who we don’t see much in the movie plot line because they are always in the monasteries treating injured heroes and guiding them towards the path of Nirvana ,which ultimately involves killing off Amrish Puri .

Now call it my tiny myopic world but I seldom find these portrayal in real life so widespread as shown in movies .. theres no denying they do exist but there is also Peter in real world who can speak chaste hindi without the “kya mangta tumko??” twang or a Aslam who sports the latest hairstyle barring the skull cap. If Sikhs were really that funny and boisterous as portrayed then we would have had a Prime Minister who could atleast crack up laughing at the sight of Jairam Ramesh’s hairdo  . If Ratan Tata was half of what the Parsis are portrayed in movies then the only car we would have rode would have been an Ambassador . Now yes you can argue that all the people I have mentioned are too few in number and the majority of India is far removed from this exceptions ….  Well thanks for finding my specs and putting it on my myopic eyes .. now my country is full of people who are Muslims , Hindus, Christians ..but seldom Indians .

(and yes to clear your suspicion ..I did watch Krantiveer 7 times and Gadar- Ek Prem Katha 5 times before coming up with the last line)

WHOSE MAO IS IT ANYWAY ????

Ever heard of a tug of war played reverse where two parties push an object on the opposite side  to win a match … well that’s what going in West Bengal nowadays . The object in question is the tag “ Maoist” and the two parties in question is the CPM and Trinamul . In a state where traditionally every car riding , a Salt Lake flat owning guy is termed a bourgeosie (don’t you dare think of Jyoti Basu) and every coffee house hoping poor loving, Noam Chomsky reading guy as proletariat (think of Jyoti Basu) , tagging Maoist is the new thing .Anybody from from your local veggie seller who charges Rs.100 for a banana to your boss who doesn’t pay you enough to buy it ,can be a Maoist . But it gets confusing and messy when the tagging gets onto the levels of the kingpins.

The Trinamul accuses the CPM and the Maoist to be the reincarnated Karan-Arjun of the movie Karan-Arjun – they were sworn enemies but really couldn’t kill each other off due to a temporal umbilical chord joining them (here the umbilical chord is not that of Rakhee’s but maybe of Hu- Jintao’s) while on the other hand the CPM accuses the Trinamul of hosting rooftop ‘dress up’ parties late at midnight where Mamata Bannerjee dresses as Snow White and the Maoists as her dwarfs . A simple solution would be to ask the Maoist about their allegiance but that would be like asking a beauty contest contender “why do you want to be like Mother Teresa ?” . While the ‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai’ triangle continues to tingle among the three , it is increasingly becoming difficult to avoid the sound of guns raging in the state . In an almost open letter to the CM of West Bengal, P.Chidambaram (the smartest man on this planet after Crime master Gogo) had showed concerns about the activites of ‘harmads’ (he actually meant ‘HER-MAD’, Mamata Bannerjee’s sobriquet in Delhi) . But amonst all this din I genuinely feel sorry for Buddhadeb Bhattacharya ,he is somewhat becoming like THAKUR SAAB of Sholay .. no hands to act ..even if someone pins “I HAVE A CRUSH ON MAMATA” badge on his kurta ..he can’t do anything about it .. except maybe sob profusely to Biman ‘Ramu Kaka’ Bose . But in a state almost divided on the lines of Us and Them , a mere admiration of  Buddha’s starch white kurta or that of Mamata’s durable chappals can get you into a lot of trouble .. so lets stear clear of any admiration or apathy and lets concentrate on behind the scenes action of the ‘K2H2’ story .

By this time we all know that the Maoists leaders don’t give a Mao’s shit about the very oppressed people they claim to represent . At the most they can be seen as merecenaries hoping from one mission to another commissioned by either the Trinamul or CPM (decided on an IPL style auction ) . The same goes with the central government which is too busy washing dirty diapers of the heir apparent Baby G and going after visionaries like Dr. Binayak Sen who waste their entire lifetime doing  what the government should have done for the past 63 years and what the Maoists claim to be doing now . So for what it’s worth it is futile to tag anyone Mao or Anti- Mao, from a certain logic one person’s Maoist is other person’s Government and vice versa . It’s a pity that most of the deprived population ,who have been denied the basic needs of survival for the past 63 years, may never get to read ‘The Animal Farm’ . In an almost prophetic ending George Orwell wrote … “…The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which."

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