REVOLUTION ON THE WRONG SIDE OF NILE

Revolution – process of curing the cancer of the society only to inflict AIDS on it . Now don’t get me wrong , I have had my fair share of marijuana infested John Lennon audio lessons to scream out ‘Power to the People’ every time any political party blocks my urban space to scream out the same . But the idea of revolution and democracy in a Muslim majority state does scare me only because of one single word : Pakistan . You look at Pakistan .. that country is in more need of a revolution than Mamata Bannerjee is in need of a husband . But in all probability the Pakistanis are never going to get out on the streets and start demanding for a better economy or more Indian satellite channels on their TV . Here is the reason why : Religion .

Before you start judging me as the type of Muslim liberal junkie who proclaims his secularism by denigrating Islam and down the years is dreaming of becoming the first Muslim President of the Sangh Parivar or the Shiv Sena ..well atleast you got the first part wrong . What starts out as a democratic set up in a Muslim majority country ultimately ends up being an Islamic revolution ultimately plunging it to the Talibanisation of the state of affairs . Again before you start judging me as the kind of guy who is on the payroll of  Narendra Modi I’ll give you examples .

Exhibit A : IRAN –starting as an Islamic revolution in 1978 to liberate the people from the tyrannical rule of the then despot , has now boiled down to one of the most gross violation of  cultural rights of its artists and also the basic rights of its women . Call me parochial but a country which imprisons a great film maker like Jafar Panahi in the name of non-conformity to the Islamic school of thoughts needs to be bombed out (now I am so getting my US visa)

Exhibit B : AFGHANISTAN – for all aspiring Jihadis “THE AFGHAN SCHOOL OF RECONSTRUCTING A VIOLENT ISLAM THROUGH A NEW QURAN” has been what IIT’s are to any pimple faced teenager or what Baywatch was to thousands of  adolescent Indian guys in the 90’s  .Well alright the US might have had sexual intercourse with that country a bit (this is the most decent way of saying the F word) ..big deal .. now you start blaming the country which has given us the greatest invention known to mankind – PORN.

In semblance these countries have a long list of adjectives like "Democratic”, “Republic” “Sovereign” even “Secular” present in their constitution but what they interpret of these words would make Voltaire and Rousseau dance up from their graves “Thriller” style . So yes , I did support the Egyptian Revolution in the beginning but after a few days when the name “The Muslim Brotherhood” cropped up in the newspaper atleast I knew that the revolution was sexually intercoursed (F-‘ed’ word). In their defence the Muslim Brotherhood might have been doing some notable humanitarian work all throughout Egypt for the past many years ( but so did Khomeini  who sounded like Susan B. Anthony before the revolution and drunk Anthony Gonzalves after it ) . And lets not get into Pakistan , that country is virtually a black hole collapsing on itself in a whirlwind of religious extremism powered by US napalm .

So heres the remedy : status quo . I am a muslim but I am a resident of West Bengal too and take it from me it is not that difficult to tolerate a power that have been sexually intercoursing (F-‘ing’ word)  us for the last 34 years and after that still bring a new party who is gonna do that much harder . We will never go out on the streets and I advise you Egyptians also not to . Its very difficult to accept the fact that either ways you are going to end up in a regime either under Mubarak or some Mullah or some Mamata or some CPM where your right to a better life goes out the window before the voter ink dries up on your fingers ; but once you accept that fact then you will realize that the magnificient pyramids were built by slaves under despotic rulers not by free spirited individuals .

MINORITY REPORT

If you think that this piece of writing concerns the state of minority affairs in our country and how the total income of the minority population divided by the total income of the unorganized sector is half that of the GDP concerning only the organized sector barring those working in service and hospitality sector normalized to the level of the total export of chickens to Bhutan , you are wrong . It is the job of the revered Congress High Command to appoint GOM’s who inturn form committees headed by retired cronies to decide upon major national issues like ‘What should be the average height of a Mayawati statue’ or ‘Does Karunanidhi look like Hugh Hefner in his Rayban shades’ or the ‘state of minorities in India’ . What this report concerns is a peculiar trend that has plagued Bollywood (our greatest cultural export after Kamasutra) – The stereotyping of minorities in Hindi movies .

Ever wondered why every Aslam Chacha or D’Souza uncle or Harpreet Singh almost always look , sound and adhere to certain clichéd notions that has characterized their respective religions since Dev Anand was young enough to be called a hero (which by the way was way before the first dinosaur egg hatched  or the birth of any geriatric character in an Ekta Kapoor serial ). So whenever you come across a Christian character in a Bollywood movie, 9 out of 10 times his name would be Peter (if male) or Jenny or Maria (if female) or D’Costa or D’ Souza(if old) . Most of the times they would speak in heavy anglicized Hindi ..” Tumko kya Mangta hai ?” and certainly they would either be a baker or a liquor shop owner or a drunkard themselves with family lineage tracing back to Goa .

It gets weirder with the portrayal of Parsis . With a quirky “Dikra” always on their lips they inevitably are very grumpy but with a heart of gold who always end up helping the hero elope with the heroine in their 70’s Fiat car . They always have a queer habit like that of a trembling hand or a blinking eye or are obscenely obese. And they have to be childless ..which explains the grumpy with a heart of gold attitude.

But the fun really starts with Muslim characters , named Aslam(if male) or Salma (if female) or Chacha or Chachi(if old) . The muslim male always have a skull cap on their head and kurta pyjama heavily starched on their body . The place where they live ought to be in a dingy but civilized locality which must have seven or eight houses which have their walls painted green . And they have to be God fearing guys (background score comprising of azans or an Arabic infused mandolin picks) who never miss their prayers (remember Imaam Saab of Sholay .. son died who cares lets pray).

Classic example of all the specimens mentioned above and many more can be observed in any 70’s movie like ‘Amar Akbar Anthony’ - the greatest artistic national unifier after ‘Bidi jalaile’ . There are many such examples with other communities like the Buddhists ,who we don’t see much in the movie plot line because they are always in the monasteries treating injured heroes and guiding them towards the path of Nirvana ,which ultimately involves killing off Amrish Puri .

Now call it my tiny myopic world but I seldom find these portrayal in real life so widespread as shown in movies .. theres no denying they do exist but there is also Peter in real world who can speak chaste hindi without the “kya mangta tumko??” twang or a Aslam who sports the latest hairstyle barring the skull cap. If Sikhs were really that funny and boisterous as portrayed then we would have had a Prime Minister who could atleast crack up laughing at the sight of Jairam Ramesh’s hairdo  . If Ratan Tata was half of what the Parsis are portrayed in movies then the only car we would have rode would have been an Ambassador . Now yes you can argue that all the people I have mentioned are too few in number and the majority of India is far removed from this exceptions ….  Well thanks for finding my specs and putting it on my myopic eyes .. now my country is full of people who are Muslims , Hindus, Christians ..but seldom Indians .

(and yes to clear your suspicion ..I did watch Krantiveer 7 times and Gadar- Ek Prem Katha 5 times before coming up with the last line)